Freelancing Follies, or how not to starve to death!

So, this is a guide for the new writer, and what you're going to go through. The downward spiral of insanity and marshmallow creme eating evenings whilst chainsmoking! The grotesque sex that will happen after you've been hunched over in agony at an unfaithful keyboard, just to pop your spine back into alignment! The fame and riches you'll never aspire to!

First, you will be an English major. You'll learn terms like elipses and rhetoric.You'll try to get into those creative writing classes, but you're stuck in Comp 2 again because your teacher is a "Thundercunt". Your clever wit will incite cheers among your peers, but your grades will suffer.

Second, you will come to hate college. Why take math and psychiatry (to better understand your damn characters, that's why!) when you just have ideas bursting out of your head! You will drop out, saying so long motherfuckers, I'll be the next NYTimes Bestseller in a year (hahahaha. You optimistic little shit, you are about to be gobbled up by the freelancing machine!)  !

Thirdly, you will begin to live as a creative person comes to live in their environment of creativity. You will eat things out of tins and jars that are not heated. Your husband/partner will begin to eyeball you for writing constant posts on your vox account and never publishing them for others to view. "But honey, that story about the hooker and the midget was so touching!" they will tell you, but you will not believe them. You cannot bear the criticism, you will only procrastinate and slowly ferment in your own insanity.

Fourth, you will wear the same clothes for a long time. You might shower, because the smell of smoke and grime on your body makes you feel heavy. But it costs money to wash clothes, and there really are four stages of clean aren't there? Except underware, don't recycle that..........

Fifth, you will begin to google freelance writers market. You balk at the idea of thirty five cents a word, that's only 175$ for a 500 word article (dear god, that is good money, take it!) and foolishly apply for jobs that return your writing samples with all sorts of corrections and rude comments. You should have posted your articles to vox first.....

Sixth, you will begin to lose track of day and night. Finally, you get that gig you've been pining for. Your spouse will award you with a carton of smokes and a wendy's spicy chicken sandwich. You haven't eaten in awhile, because you're both really cheap and trying to stretch that 450$ left in the bank account. You keep the heat turned off, so you huddle together for warmth, atleast the love from being insane is good.

Seventh, you learn your first gig is screwing you over. They coo you with lies such as "Well, give us the product, and once we sell some schwag/get advertising revenue, we'll pay you" or, my utmost favorite, which I have gotten as a graphic designer as well, "If you do this for me, you'll get fantastic exposure and I'll refer you to others." Yeah. Okay, this will happen no matter what sort of creativity they're trying to sell you. GET A CONTRACT IN WRITING. I don't care if they digitally sign it, email holds up in a court of law!

Eight, you get a horribly bad job that humbles you. You will get very depressed, and sleep for a day. Then  you will awaken, understanding there's other jobs. Do you have to maybe work part-time? Nay, live off your spouse... heh. Brian is going to kill me. You will write relevant writing samples, I don't care if it's for that "tea blog" ad on craigslist, and you will sell it for 25$. You will use that to further launch your resume, and take as many little shite jobs as humanly possible, and gain enough money to pay for rent the  next month. By that time, you will understand that freelancing is a horribly bad idea, but you will overcome. Through enduring grow strong!

Ninth, you will learn to budget. You will smoke GPC cigarettes, and open the window to let the cats and said spouse breathe. You will not buy anything at the market that comes in a colorful package. You will long for the days when you had Thundercunt looming over you, but you will make it! You may only pull 400-500 a month, but you will live. You will gain experiance points! Struggles only make you a better human being, and help you be better with whatever craft is your own.

The tenth, and final step; is survive for six months. If you can do this for six months, and be alright, keep at it. Throw away any thought of going  back, if you're loving what you're doing. If you're becoming a hunchback, get a chair with arms. If you can't afford smokes any more, well, it's bad for you anyway. If you can't afford to eat... well, learn to cook! Adapt... and you will survive somehow. Doing what you want is a life worth living.